Love Letter to Swadhyay

Dear Swadhyay,

I’m sorry for the formality of a letter – it’s the only way I could get in touch with you. Remember those days when we used to talk all the time? I’d ask thousands of questions and we would sit and discuss them for hours. No matter how childlike my understanding, you always took the time to make sure that all of my fears were assuaged and my doubts were addressed. No uncle was unapproachable, each sanchalak was a guru. Back in the day when I actually felt like I could shape Swadhyay, like my understanding of it actually mattered…I miss those days…

Perhaps it’s just the cynicism that comes from age, but I can’t help but wonder how we have gotten to the place that we are now. When did you go from being self-assured, dynamic and trustworthy to being fearful and secretive? We used to be able to talk about anything – now, I am afraid to even be near you because I never know what mood you’ll be in. I know that as we grow, we feel we have more and more to lose, but how can you forget the beauty and strength that comes of living our powerful philosophy? There was once a time when the simple strength that came of giving each person the power over her own spirituality – based in the simple strength of divinity within – was enough. We trusted that our process was pure and our message powerful. Fear was absent from the landscape…

Sometimes I wonder what Dadaji would think if he were around. On one hand, he’d be proud to see the millions of people who are continuously being touched by the power of these ancient thoughts. He’d beam to see the number of people who revere and value the immense penance that he put in. However, I think he’d also be deeply hurt, ruined, in fact, by the way that we have allowed fear and ego to seep into our karya. He’d weep at the perverseness of our devotion, which has gotten to a point where we can justify murder in the name of his life. He’d hang his head at hearing youth after youth be turned away, disillusioned, insulted, simply for doing what Dadaji has always asked us to do – ask questions until we become doubtless. Rather, what we see is person after person, bright, powerful but sadly lost, morph Swadhyay into something that excludes anyone who isn’t already like it. It seems to be the turn the world at large is taking – you’re either with us or against us…

However, who could be against us? Who could possibly condemn a massive effort, unparalleled in history, designed to restore the dignity of man? And if someone is, why are we afraid? The attacks against you have been shameful. The slander and gossip destructive and insulting. But when did we start fighting the dirty fight? When did we lose our own asmita and stoop to the level where we would fight hatred with hatred instead of compassion and love? My mind is sad for the slanderers, my heart is sad for us. It saddens me to know that while I lose sleep over my dear Swadhyay, you as you read this will likely interpret it as an insult. Rather than valuing honesty from one of your daughters, you will take it defensively, write me off and refuse to grow.

Perhaps the thing that first drew me in about Swadhyay, and that which I still hold on to most, is that it literally means self-study. The powerful message that word conveys has kept me in awe for fifteen years. To say that spiritual growth requires the courage to peer deep into oneself, strengths, flaws and realities, is inspiring. The question becomes, can we live our message? Can we as an organization embody the spirit of what we claim to stand for? The charm of swadhyay for all these years is the hope that so many of us felt that perhaps we had actually found “it”, that which we had been searching so desperately for. Perhaps the attack against it now is actually the human reaction to the deep hurt of a perceived let down. The seed of doubt has caused so many people’s entire worldviews to come crashing down that it has spawned a campaign of hate driven by hurt.

My most powerful emotion right now is the heartbreak of a loss of trust. I had put so much faith into your purity – as a thought, as a movement, as a principle. Your unwillingness to be open, to trust that I have the capability to discern right and wrong, is an overwhelming let down. That there is a chance that I should not have trusted you is even more disappointing.

However, what brings me hope is that I know that all is not loss. There is still time, Swadhyay, for us to emerge from the ashes, for us to arise as the spiritual power that we are capable of. There is time for us to be open, honest and reflective. We can still respectfully address the ways in which have failed and move forward in a constructive and compassionate way. We can still return to a space that is empowering and decentralized, returning the power over spirituality to the individual and the collective. We can still be adaptive, assured and inclusive as we discover the potential of divinity within each living being.

I close this letter with the deepest of respect and the highest of hopes that we will enter into this dialogue and emerge with constructive and trusting steps for moving forward with a message of love and divinity.

A loving Swadhyayee